


Recovering is a Long Process

by Kanceir



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: M/M, angst there is so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 12:44:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2192328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanceir/pseuds/Kanceir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When tragedy strikes and Saruhiko is left to face his own emotions, he can't help but to reach out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Comfort

  The day Misaki Yata died was the day Saruhiko finally lost everything.

  The funeral was held the following week, when the officials were done with the body. He'd been shot in the heart, left in the mouth of an alleyway for none other than Kamamoto to find the following morning. The alley was near Saruhiko's house. The fight that had taken place before wasn't like their others, had far more feelings involved and Saruhiko had stormed off without waiting for the physical violence to actually start. Everyone had come to the same silent conclusion that Misaki had been on his way to Saruhiko's house when he was ambushed.

  And it riddled the man with crushing guilt.

  He wasn't welcomed to the funeral — didn't even get to attend because a few from HOMRA wouldn't let him through. So he'd had to wait until everyone had vacated the area to kneel at the headstone, the ground muddy and wet from the rain earlier that day. And there he sat, staring listlessly down at the grave with eyes belonging to someone who no longer had a heart, his soul shattered beyond repair.

  It wasn't until he felt a familiar, cool hand on his shoulder that the tears finally came. And Reisi stayed with him, letting the raven cry and cry and cry onto him without question. He'd dressed formally like Saruhiko, though he also hadn't been present at the funeral. He didn't seem to mind his coat being drenched by tears and the rain that came later, well into the night because Saruhiko wouldn't—couldn't—make himself stand and leave. When the rain did start, however, Reisi pulled an unresponsive Saruhiko to his feet and to the elder's car, where he drove to his own home, not wanting to return the man to a place that would only reinforce the guilt he felt.

  Saruhiko didn't leave his side even there, and had let Reisi help him dress in his commander's clothes before crawling into his bed and remaining glued still to his side for the rest of the night. Several times were the two awoken by ragged sobbing and the occasional scream from a nightmare. All throughout Reisi said not a word save for the quiet hushing and comforting words he knew meant nothing but helped to calm the other down each time anyway.

  Both had stayed up rather than went back to sleep eventually, Saruhiko curled against Reisi's chest, halfway on his lap whilst the elder held him gently in his arms. When soft rays of the light of dawn began to filter through the window in Reisi's room, Saruhiko had finally drifted back to sleep in the King's arms. Reisi was able to successfully shift him onto his side, still curled in on himself, the sheen of dried tears streaking down his face. A pallid hand rose to glide across a stained cheek before removing himself from the bed.

  He returned ten minutes later to the tentative yet desperate call of his name. Saruhiko was sitting up in bed, eyes a watery blue until he saw his captain's face in the doorway, assured he hadn't been left alone. Reisi coaxed him out of the room and to the kitchen, where he had begun to prepare breakfast. Thankfully, it didn't take much longer, the remaining ordeal silent aside from the occasional sniffle from Saruhiko, probably stuffy-nosed from before. He was presented with a plate of strawberry pancakes and bacon, a western-style breakfast but tasteful nonetheless. Reisi indulged himself in the same food, not once trying to prompt Saruhiko to speak. He knew the man would talk after he'd had time to recover. While he seemed slightly better today, Reisi knew his subordinate well enough to understand that he was bottling up his emotions, something he seemed particularly good at. While he didn't approve of it, he also knew that Saruhiko was in a very fragile state and didn't need, much less want, any distractions from his thoughts for a while. And if he did, he was more than capable of expressing them in subtle ways, like how he stared at his empty plate for a moment after he'd finished and Reisi gave him the pancake he'd yet to eat, the food being accepted without question. If he'd been up to it, Reisi thought Saruhiko might've actually thanked him, but knowing that was enough even if he didn't.

  When the two had finished, Reisi spoke for the first time since finding the raven at the cemetery. He offered to take Saruhiko to work with him, though he didn't have to resume his duties if he didn't want to. After a long moment, Saruhiko nodded silently and joined his commander in his car again to drive toward Scepter 4 Headquarters. Not a soul questioned his lack of uniformal attire, nor the fact that he spent the majority of the time either sitting next to Reisi's desk with his knees drawn up to him, sometimes staring listlessly at the floor and other times with his forehead on his arms. After a while he moved to the traditional nook in Reisi's office and slept. He only woke to a hot cup of tea being placed next to him, and finally uttered a word of thanks as he sipped at it. Reisi normally would have smiled, but could only manage a soft look at his subordinate and the state he was in.

  Reisi had allowed Saruhiko to return to his car before he left his office, having to run a few things by Seri before he left. He hadn't yet made it outside the building when a certain redhead appeared in the building's otherwise deserted lobby. A silent look passed between them, and the two shared a brief, awkward yet calming embrace. Old as their friendship was, they still knew when the other needed comfort, and while Reisi knew Mikoto must have been in a hard place himself, he was still worried about Saruhiko and that worry had begun to affect him the slightest bit. He felt as if the brief moment had calmed his nerves just so, however, and knew Mikoto felt the same. They parted ways after exiting the building without a word of utterance.

  The drive home consisted of Saruhiko's blatant staring, though Reisi wasn't sure if it was because he'd seen Mikoto leave the building with him or something else entirely. He was brought to light, however, when they'd both made it inside his home and Saruhiko left a light, tentative kiss on his lips. Reisi had been shocked, of course, but couldn't exactly say he wasn't slightly glad.

  But at the same time, he was cautious. Saruhiko's emotions had to have been fluctuating sporadically, and he couldn't take the gesture to heart. Saruhiko may just need comfort, and was interpreting Reisi's kindness as something more. Which wasn't to say they weren't, but for the time being Reisi would take things slowly, try and prolong anything until Saruhiko had had more than a couple days between the tragedy. He knew how important Misaki had been to him, despite the hostile approach they always took to each other. He wasn't blind to the way Saruhiko had craved the boy's attention so. For all he knew, that boy could have been Saruhiko's only friend, albeit an enemy as well. The loss of someone so important must have had an impact Reisi couldn't begin to imagine. It was remarkable, to say the least, that the man would be open to any kind of otherwise intimate affection at all. As Reisi had figured, though, he may simply not understand exactly what his broken heart and mind needed and could be way off course by approaching Reisi like that.

  The following night and morning was much like the previous, though with more holding on Reisi's part. Saruhiko broke down halfway to headquarters and Reisi pulled over to once again cradle the raven in his arms, eventually sitting in the back with Saruhiko's arms latched around his shoulders, biting the juncture of his neck and shoulder gently, possibly in an attempt to stifle his sobs. Reisi could sense no sort of intimate intentions yet in spite of himself ended up having to shift in slight discomfort. That may have alerted Saruhiko of his action's implications and he removed himself almost immediately. Reisi looked sadly at his downcast eyes for a moment, hand slipping into the younger's for a small squeeze of encouragement.

  Needless to say, he was late to work, but again was not questioned. At some point during the day they had ended up kissing again, in the corner of the room where Saruhiko had taken to again, a gentle yet supporting hand around the younger's lower back and the other lovingly caressing his face. The kiss was soft and slow, escalating first by the nipping at Saruhiko's lip, followed by a more expressive dance of tongues. The connection ended shortly after on Saruhiko's behalf, a light dusting to his cheeks as he looked away, fingers loosely curled around Reisi's uniform coat. He seemed unsure and confused, and the elder knew it was better to put this off until later. His fingers brushed along the younger's jaw before returning to his quiet desk work. Saruhiko seated himself once more in the corner, arms around his knees, though he at least looked contemplative rather than the dreary inertia of before. Reisi thought that had to be some kind of improvement, if nothing else.

  They drove home with interlaced fingers, Reisi's firm and reassuring whilst Saruhiko's were careful and weary.

  "I should start work again soon." The raven said upon returning home, Reisi having moved into the kitchen to put on supper. He looked back in concealed surprise at hearing the other talk after so long. His voice was quiet and there was a faint crack, most likely from lack of usage the past couple days. He dried a dish he retrieved from the washer as he responded.

  "If you're feeling up to it, I'm sure your colleagues would be relieved." He said, attempting a slight teasing tone. They had been working a little harder lately with the lack of someone on the papers. Of course Saruhiko would be eased back into his schedule, probably beginning with simple jobs so he had time to adjust himself again.

  "How are things? In the city, I mean." The raven asked, seemingly jumping to another topic. Reisi paused only a moment to contemplate his incentive to inquire about Shizume's state.

  "Quiet. It appears HOMRA hasn't been causing as much trouble lately." He said, taking a guess as to what Saruhiko really wanted to hear about. Normally he wouldn't have had a care in the world about his former clan, but his reasons for taking a sudden interest now were quite clear. After a moment of time with filled the shuffling of utensils and various ingredients, Reisi went out on another limb. "Perhaps we'll pay them a visit tomorrow. Make sure they really are being as quiet as they seem." He suggested. Of course he would give logical reasoning, but in reality he thought it might do Saruhiko some good to go back there after so long. Things had changed, drastically. There was no telling what might actually come out of such a meeting.

  But he could sense the mutual agreement that it had to be done.

  "S'fine." The younger muttered, at last bringing a smile — small, but a smile nonetheless — to Reisi's lips. He hoped that his subordinate would be back to clicking his tongue in no time.

  That night was only disturbed once by Saruhiko having to make a beeline for the bathroom to throw up. Luckily he hadn't woken Reisi, so he didn't have to explain himself or have the man try and talk him out of going back to bar HOMRA the following morning. His nerves were worse than he'd thought, he supposed.

* * *

  Entering the bar sparked an air of tension quicker than it normally would have. It was only occupied by Red clansmen, each pair of eyes directed solely at Saruhiko, ignoring the Blue King entirely.

  If he hadn't recovered his control as fast as he did, he may have hurled again right then and there.

  A nudge to his hand alerted Saruhiko to follow Reisi to the bar, where the Red King sat, watching them with far less malice than what he could feel being hammered at him from every other direction. For once in his life, Saruhiko felt comfortable and dare he say safe around Mikoto. He felt as if given the signal he was going to be ripped apart by these gangsters. It was rather comforting to be sat between two Kings, though, a cool presence on one side and a warm one on the other. For once it seemed the two balanced perfectly around him and he hadn't felt so safe and comforted in his life.

  Reisi and Mikoto spoke idly about some things, the chatter eventually taking up again amoungst the others, though noticeably more hushed. Saruhiko knew he caught his name and a few added adjectives more than once. Izumo was hospitable enough, though perhaps more resigned than he would have been at any other point in the past. But Saruhiko felt that had more to do with what had happened than himself, and for that he was grateful to the bartender.

  It had taken a hand on his shoulder for Saruhiko to realize he was being addressed after an undetermined length of time. He glanced up at Reisi curiously, who nodded in the direction of the redhead. He was still wary of Mikoto, of course, but turned to him regardless.

  "You holdin' up well enough, kid?" The man asked, completely taking Saruhiko by surprise. Even when he was with HOMRA, he hadn't thought the King had taken anything of an interest in him, never really tried to form a bond with him though he knew the option was available to him regardless. Back then, though, he'd wanted nothing to do with Mikoto — he'd taken Misa...his only friend away from him. But now his only friend was gone for good and he still felt like it was his fault. He shouldn't have let his emotions slip in that fight, shouldn't have made that idiot feel the need to come talk to him because now he was dead and it was _all his fault_.

  The tears came unexpectedly, welling up in his eyes before spilling down his face. The two Kings were quick to remove him from the bar, taking him upstairs so he would be rid of the shocked, staring eyes of the clan he'd left. And there his tears fell, though he only managed sore, ragged breaths, didn't actually sob and wail as he had been doing every time before. Surprisingly enough it was Mikoto's warm body he found himself held to inside the room, Reisi's hand running through his hair comfortingly while he was held in a firm, warm embrace.

  So Mikoto did care about him after all.

  The three of them ended up staying in that room for another undetermined length of time. The dual presence of yin and yang had never been so soothing before in his lifetime.

  He wasn't exactly sure when he'd been taken back to Reisi's home, but he woke up in the man's bed to see him already getting dressed. Then he remembered that he'd wanted to go back to work that day, and requested to be brought home to pick up his uniform. The elder's hesitance was understandable, but for some reason Saruhiko was determined to deal with returning to that place. Not that he would be living there again any time soon; not like he would get a wink of sleep there, alone, anyway.

  The apartment seemed like it hadn't been touched for a while, but didn't exactly feel old and abandoned. It had only been a little over a week, after all, but it felt so long and everything just seemed so foreign and that if he touched anything it would disturb far, far too many memories. He grabbed his uniform quickly without letting his eyes linger on anything for too long. He would change at headquarters.

  It was astonishing how quickly he got back into the rhythm of things. It obviously didn't take long for the pricks of irritation to settle in at some of the work he had to do — correcting illiterate reports, cleaning up and organizing files and the like because his colleagues were incapable of doing so on their own. His station was a bit of a mess, everyone also seeming to lack the ability to really operate with the loss of Saruhiko keeping everything in check. But it was busy work and a great distraction, and sure enough he'd begun to click his tongue and snap brisk orders again, obviously still reserved around everyone but at the very least sounding normal when he did actually speak. It helped.

  That night he made advancements on Reisi.

  The elder seemed surprised, of course, but did little to stop him when he brought him to his bed, lips locked and tentative hands moving, trying to seem interested but not needy. Neither wanted to push the other too quickly, after all, but everything began to fall into place when the raven finally got the King on his back, legs on either side of his hips and mouth drifting from the elder's to trace his jawline.

  But they didn't go all out that night. Reisi wasn't about to do anything Saruhiko didn't want and the latter made no move to advance it further, so the two finished by soft caresses and the gentle rolling of hips. After calming down and changing underwear (Saruhiko hadn't been sure when, but had started finding clothes that were actually his size in Reisi's wardrobe, and he was suspicious of the man having gone out and bought them at some point) the two lay in bed facing each other. Reisi looked contemplative as he idly curled his finger behind Saruhiko's ear rhythmically, though his eyes remained on the younger's as if searching for something.

  "What is it?" The raven asked, voice quiet due to the calm atmosphere.

  "I'm just not sure if you really know if you're ready for something like this." Reisi replied honestly. "You were traumatized by the tragedy and your emotions can't have settled by now." He pointed out. Saruhiko couldn't argue, so he voiced nothing in response, prompting the other to continue. "I'm just afraid that you may be confused about how you feel about me. Your mind could be making you think you feel something that you really don't. I don't want you to suffer any more than you already have because this isn't what you thought it was." His hand had stopped to rest on the boy's cheek, eyes watching him carefully.

  Saruhiko's hand rose to gently lay above his, returning his gaze wearily, though he obviously understood what Reisi was saying. "I know that. I know I could be in the wrong but I need something right now. I don't know what I need you to be, though. I just need you." It was a vague but logical explanation that Reisi followed completely.

  "Then you have me. You've had me this whole time, so don't worry." He assured, thumb brushing across his cheek bone. "But I do want you to do something before you start making decisions." He added cautiously. Saruhiko blinked at him questioningly, and he felt his heart clench almost painfully at what he was about to say. "I want you to see Mikoto again. Even if just once more, I think it would benefit you in some way." He went on before Saruhiko could interrupt. "It doesn't have to be now, or soon even. I want you to go alone this time, so I want to make sure you've had more time before you go."

  "You make it sound like I'm going to leave you or something." The raven pointed out with a faint accusing tone. "Why do I need to see him? Why alone?" He questioned, watching him with calculating azure eyes. Reisi sighed.

  "Because I may not be who you really need after all." He said, unsure of how else he could explain it. "I'm not sure if you realized it then, but the way you clung to Mikoto was almost desperate, as if you'd found something you'd been searching for for a while." It sounded ridiculous, he knew, but that was what he saw and there was little room for interpretation. "My point is simply that there may be something about Mikoto that could help you. He has an absurdly effective ability to do that sometimes." Mikoto's flame attracted lost souls all the time. Saruhiko had had his view obscured before, but now it was apparent he'd at least caught a glimpse of _something_ , little did he know what.

  "...Fine." The raven said after a pregnant moment of silence. He didn't seem entirely too enticed about it, but he had agreed, and it gave Reisi an odd feeling to know that he was somewhat right in his assumption.

**To be continued...**


	2. Hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had so much, but it meant nothing.

  Two weeks had passed since then. Of course, the time allotted wasn't so much to prepare but more so Saruhiko postponing the inevitable. He supposed he was as ready as he'd ever been but the uncertainty of the outcome made him wary. Reisi had acted weird when he'd brought it up then, which left Saruhiko to contemplate why while completely ignoring everything going on inside his mind. He'd had years of experience in blocking off his emotions and so his mental barricades were quickly rebuilt, but returning to that bar might be the very thing to knock their fragile structure down again.

  And _that_ was something he wasn't ready for.

  Surprisingly it had nothing to do with Mikoto. In fact Saruhiko, the gods knew why, had oddly been looking forward to seeing him again. It irritated him. He wanted his stomach to churn at the very thought of facing the Red King alone, he wanted _him_ to be the reason he was putting off the visit so long. That was how it used to be, but nothing was how it used to be now.

  He told Reisi to go to work by himself that day. He said he was going to stay home because he wasn't feeling well, but even as he said it he knew the man understood what his true intentions were. He just couldn't say that he actually wanted to go see Mikoto.

  The walk was actually quite a distance, but it passed in seemingly no time at all, Saruhiko purposely discarding all thoughts about where he was going and the reason why and who he wouldn't be seeing there. Because every time his mind threatened to think about it he got this awful feeling in his gut that made him wish he had actually stayed home. And he thought about the word "home" and how he thought of Reisi's house before his own now.

  Reisi served well as a distraction for his mind.

  When he was finally standing in front of those doors he couldn't force himself to push through them. His mark throbbed achingly as he sensed the hoarding presences within, wanting to reunite with their joint flames through the struggle of being suppressed by the blue voltage that fought against it. This happened every time and he was glad the door was opened from the inside, because he was on the verge of turning around at that moment.

  He didn't look up at the King as he passed inside, though allowed himself to be led to the upstairs loft, same room as before. Although he could feel the eyes that were on him, somehow they were far less intense than before, and he felt an overwhelming sense of pity resonating from the beings in that bar. He hated it. He didn't want their pity. But at the same time he was grateful he was able to walk through them without feeling as if he would be burned alive at any given moment.

  This time Saruhiko realized he must have been in Mikoto's bedroom. It was unspoken knowledge that the King lived up here after all, but for some reason it surprised Saruhiko at how it looked. There weren't many personal items laying around — a table of little trinkets, mostly red, that he seemed to recall Anna giving to Mikoto on a number of occasions. The thought of the girl softened his eyes. If he was going to like anyone from HOMRA, it would have been Anna. In fact he did like her, though before he wouldn't have been too keen on showing it in public. Anna had always been a calming relief from the intense blaze of those around him, her fire always seeming calmer and warm rather than scolding when he was around her. He had a sneaking suspicion that even then she had understood his discomfort of being there.

  More distractions. Mikoto had taken a seat on his low bed, Saruhiko having stood there, gazing at the small table for what must have been a good couple minutes. He hadn't been called upon or disturbed, but he knew that even if Mikoto was going to give him his space, he had to do whatever it was he had come here to do. Reisi had told him to see Mikoto, and he had. What exactly did he think was to come out of this meeting?

  "If I ask you how you're doing, are you gonna break down again?" The man's voice was casual with a hint of teasing that didn't seem as if he were picking on Saruhiko's vulnerability, and for that he was grateful. Slowly, the raven came to sit on the bed as well, putting a generous amount of distance between them regardless.

  "...It's difficult." He managed out. Of course those words could mean a number of things, and they did. It was difficult trying to go on as if nothing had happened. It was difficult not to be able to handle his emotions as well as he had before. It was difficult to be in the same room with the man he once despised while feeling completely at ease in his presence.

  "I'd imagine it would be." The King stated, leaning back onto his hands. "You guys used to be close. Best friends, even. So what happened?" He finally asked after a pause between his words. Internally Saruhiko was cursing. He didn't want to think about this right now, not so soon. It had been three weeks but it was all still fresh in his mind.

  And yet he spoke anyway. "HOMRA happened. We came here and..." He pursed his lips. If he went on he was going to have to admit to Mikoto how much he'd hated him. Normally he wouldn't bother holding his tongue. But now he felt such words were out of place. He swallowed. "We came here and he stopped looking at me." He still couldn't say his name. "We came here and I became another face in the crowd to him. You took him away from me." The bitter words were spoken softly, for he feared that if he tried to put any kind of force behind them he wouldn't be able to stay together. "I wanted him to look at me in a way he didn't look at anyone else. He stopped seeing me as his best and only friend, so I made him look at me something he truly hated."

  "You left." Mikoto concluded. It was silent for a moment, and then Saruhiko felt a hand on his shoulder, making him look up at the redhead in question. "I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry we did that to you." If he hadn't been looking right into his eyes, Saruhiko couldn't have been able to tell if those words were truly heartfelt. "As a King I have to make choices that affect the lives of others all the time. Yata embraced HOMRA's flame like an old friend, and considering how close you guys were I thought it would be the same for you." He hadn't lingered on the name and for that much the raven was glad, but the words still managed to confuse him. "But the Aura wouldn't have accepted you if it didn't think you were meant to have it." His other hand rose to trail its fingers along Saruhiko's exposed collarbone, past his shirt to the distorted red mark. "This is proof of that much." Normally Saruhiko would have pulled a knife on the hand that dared to touch that spot, but he couldn't make himself feel even a hint of anger toward Mikoto. The King's touch made the mark flare to life, as if overjoyed to be recognized by the man who put it there.

  But this time it wasn't a suffocating heat, but more rather a soothing warmth that spread throughout his veins, a warmth he hadn't felt even when he was with HOMRA. Then again, he'd wanted nothing to do with the people who took his Misaki away from him. But now that he was the one at fault for taking Misaki away from everyone, including himself, he didn't know what to do. What was there to do if Misaki wasn't there? What sick joy did he have to wake up to if not fighting with Misaki? What secret enjoyment did he get to have if he couldn't see Misaki smiling and laughing with him?

  Reisi's name floated to his mind then, randomly, out of the blue. He had Scepter 4 to work for, keep occupied and do something worth the while. He had the calm feeling of quiet rolling waves when he was around the people with the Aura that supplied it. And he had the excited beating of heart when he woke up to the smell of breakfast wafting from the other room and the lingering scent of cologne in the bed he slept in.

  And still more, he realized as he sat with the Red King's warmth surrounding him. He finally had an escape from the constricting feeling around his collarbone. He'd found a warmth he never knew in this small ramshack room. He was finally rid of the seething hatred he could never shake before, always clinging to him and clawing at him as it begged for his attention. Here he had so much and yet knew he didn't deserve an ounce of it all.

  Because really, what good was it to be happy, if he couldn't share it with the one person he'd cared for most?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all~ I realize I should be working on my other story, and I am, but I had the sudden inspiration to write this story last night and I finished it this morning, so really what's the harm? I hope it was an interesting read, if nothing else ^_^ If you're feeling kind, maybe you could leave a little review and tell me how I did? I'm usually not the best with angst and I can never get it to go in the exact direction I want it to, but I try.


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